Sunday, 4 September 2011

A Wonderful Weekend

Hey guys, how was your weekend? I'd like to sit you down and tell you about mine.

It was a quiet Friday, recovering from my surgery after having my mind exploded 4 times over attempting to make sense of the paradoxical nature of advice from my previous post, in that I was to disregard advice, by listening to the advice which included disregarding the advice of the internet. This kind of unrelenting cranial destruction has only left me delirious, with enough medication to make Rosie O'Donnel look attractive. Whilst lying there in my constant haze, I began to suddenly rise from my body, walking towards the light. However, something happened in my brain and I figured, hey, I haven't kickboxed God or punched a bear in the mouth just yet, so maybe now wasn't the best time to be leaving this plane of existence.

In coming back to this earth, I kind of realise I needed to take some of the advice of my bloggers and become a cooler guy, and get to know this chick I've been pandering over. It was time to approach her and say hi. I waited until the next day until she walked by past my workplace.

"Creep", she responded. I was heartbroken, until I realised I was holding a packaged 13' Titan XXL dildo in my left hand the thickness of a thermos flask. Perhaps I should explain. I work at a sex toy store, and despite all the social stigma, the community of staff is great and there are always great stories to be shared with the interesting customers who are looking to spice up their marriages or experiment with their 114 newly found fetishes they discovered on the internet.

This little setback was a harsh one, I admit, but then a customer showed me his wallpaper on his iPhone.

"When life seems to be difficult, God is getting jealous of your progress."

All those high school dramas and movies made sense now. To get the girl I would have to be persistent. I would have to truly push myself to my limits and maybe even learn a few things about myself. And all this struggle would be worth it because this girl was truly the love of my life.

I decided to get my act together and look a little nicer than my usual "just woke up" look, which, at the time, was part of how I expressed my casual attitude. I finished my late shift at work, which I usually take to get to know my drunken customers, who are much less nervous about sharing funny sex stories (some which I might ask if I can share on this blog in the future). Since most clothing stores close about 6-7 hours before my workplace shuts down for the night, I had to take my change of clothes from the back room. Naturally, I knew that black is slimming so I went for some nice black jeans, a nice black sweater and since it's winter over here, I grabbed a black beanie that was a bit too big and kept sliding down my face. In my rush to lock up the store, I bumped into the door and cracked my spectacles, leaving me only with the spare in the back room again, which happened to be a nice set of horn rimmed frames. Glasses always make you look smart so I figured this was a surefire way to let her see how intelligent I was.

Locking up the store, I jumped into my friend's van, which I was borrowing because mine was in the repair shop after a light accident in some busy intersection down the road from the shop. Reversing out of my parking spot, I could hear all the chainsaws and hardware (he's a tradesman) clanking around in the back but I couldn't honestly care less because I was on my way to truly get to know the love of my life.

Now I hadn't actually asked for her address or phone number but I remember in movies that girls always love surprises cause it's romantic that someone would be so creative and spontaneous, which gives the adrenaline rush they are looking for in their lives. I checked her Facebook account and with a few taps, my iPhone was directing me to her place. I snapped up a few pills from the glove box to deal with my nervousness, and I was smiling so happily, with a grin from ear to ear, which I naturally attributed to my excitement for this girl.

I parked my van in her driveway and began to look around to see if she's home. And then I see her in her living room, watching TV. It took me a while to muster the courage to do anything, I was in shock and awe of her beauty, with my extraordinary grin plastered on my face.

But I'm glad I did do this. We had the best weekend. We went fishing, we talked about our favourite music, listened to and shared some great tunes, watched a few of our favourite movies together, walked along the beach, discussed religious beliefs, ate the best meals available in our area, went bowling, had a few drinks and played darts, everything you could possibly imagine. It was amazing.

I just wish I wasn't so insecure and paranoid about losing her. Maybe I should untie her.


  1. Can't stop laughing after reading that last line.

  2. that last line is hilarious! xD Win my friend. Win :D

  3. Good shit my friend :)

  4. Looks like a fun weekend. Lol at last line

  5. You get a lot done in a brief amount of time. :)

  6. wow last line. just wow really pulled it together thumbs up

  7. Man I haven't been that fucked up on meds in a long time.

  8. hahahh your stories are gold man... Keep up the good work!

  9. kul historie, bror. Si det igjen.

  10. You have a nice writing style.. very fluid.

  11. Gotta agree with yawillyjj, real good flow of writing