Saturday, 5 November 2011

A Recipe for Mayhem

I stepped down each flight of stairs in anticipation. I was always the curious type, and this was certainly one of those things I just had to find out. The moment I stepped out of the door, the car sped away, leaving a screech and a small smokes storm behind it. A note fluttered in the air, landing in my hands.

"Big Papa is watching you."

Was this a warning? A threat? I walked back to my apartment to mull it over. I realise I didn't injure him and his boys quite a bit, and maybe he feels I stole all the girls he was friends with. I was a little worried. I'd never really made an enemy and I didn't want to start now.

Roxxy had slept in and found me worrying myself silly on the couch when she woke up. I explained everything to her, and she knew she should calm me down. She happened to be the most calming person known to mankind, perhaps like a hot, female version of Bob Marley right in my very own living room. She asked if I wanted to go to a party being held by her friend Giancarlo. Instantly I recognised the name. Small world. He used to go to junior high with me, and played on the football team alongside me until his mother had left him and his dad with nothing but a mountain of divorce attorney fees, so they moved state to stay away from her. It was a big shock to his world, as his dad had a large fortune from his business which provided "bankruptcy alternatives", the irony of which only the most heartless could appreciate.

So Giancarlo wasn't actually throwing the party, but his roommate Dave was the actual host. Dave had recently broken up with his girlfriend and just wanted a nice distraction (as well as maybe a rebound, I think) so he organised a party to get his friends together, have some great drinks, and maybe meet a few new people.

Roxxy decided to have a few pre-drinks at our place, so she used this recipe. mixing vodka, grenadine, lime juice and Bailey's to create zombie brain shots, like in this photo:
  It was perfect since halloween was coming up and damn, they looked (and tasted) great.

We headed to the party mildly drunk, and at the first sight of the guests, we realised we were under-dressed. Giancarlo's penthouse apartment in the city centre (known as The Citadel because it was huge) was amazing in all aspects of its design. He spared no expense in making this the most upper class party I've ever been to. Turns out he could afford it all easily, because he had made millions in foreign currency trading, spending hours of his time trading currency instead of a more conventional job.

Luckily, the guests thought Roxxy and I dressed ironically, with my plunging v neck and jeans, and her tight, short dress with a plunging neck line. Everyone kept mistaking us as a couple, which was understandable, since we were the only people we knew at the party, since Giancarlo was nowhere to be seen. It's not like we didn't get along with everyone, just we didn't know them too well and were to scared of saying something stupid. Now, I had still had my interests in Jo C, and Roxxy just didn't really care too much for sex, so we didn't have any reason to pick up, so we just hung out, had a good seat and met anyone passing by. We played a game where we voiced other people's conversations across the room. Dave took a seat with us, explaining his situation and how he felt it was kind of hopeless. Roxxy, being the girl she is, comforted him, motivating him to keep trying by using some of the best lines in history. She was quite the charismatic girl, knowing exactly how to talk to guys it seemed.

Dave stood up, straightened his tie, put a nice confident look on his face, and strutted into the crowd toward the dancefloor they had set up. Roxxy asked me if I wanted to go out and get some drinks at a club or something elsewhere. Naturally I appreciated her knowing that I prefer smaller encounters with 1 or 2 people at a time, and while I still enjoyed parties, they weren't really my thing. We were fairly drunk at this point, so it was time for piggy backs. I hopped on her back and she zoomed us around the city. Roxxy had some amazing legs, that, while feminine, were amazingly strong. She was running so fast it was as if she had snorted a mountain of cocaine confiscated by a drug rehab clinic. Zooming past the scenic hills, Roxxy tripped, tumbling us down a little hill. We were laughing and rolling together, just like a childhood dream.

Before I could notice, we had fallen into the river, with both of us getting drenched. Now, of all the things I've learnt in life, with lessons in nearly everything, with experiences of doing almost everything imaginable, the one thing I haven't ever learned was how to swim. I know right? I always had nightmares about swimming when I was a child and I never got around to learning. I began to sink in my panic, as flailing my arms wildly was my instinctive reaction. As I went under, Roxxy's arm pierced through the water like a dart, grabbing my hand and dragging me to shore. Luckily her purse and my wallet were still on dry land, as they had fallen out on our way down. I looked around for my phone, hoping it wasn't still in my pockets. Suddenly, I could hear a light ringing in the distance. My phone had flown roughly 30 feet to the side somehow, I didn't really understand. As I picked it up, a notification appeared, showing a missed call from an unknown number. Maybe it was God's way of showing me where my phone was.

This time, Roxxy's phone started to ring. It was Giancarlo, with a lot of banging, clanging and muffled yelling in the background. Now Giancarlo had a girlfriend a few years younger than him, but with my expert psychological knowledge, gained from a website called Archie's Advice, I also knew that he still harboured his mother issues, which is why he was infamous for picking up older women every now and then. And he wasn't above cheating on his girlfriends because he felt like he was justified in doing it. A little crazy, I know, but I still feel for any guy that was forced to trade a parent for a lawyer. Even then, I do feel a little jealous, as he looks great (not amazingly built, but dresses very well and looks after himself), comes from a European country so he has a sexy accent, and with a degree from a Brown Mackie College business school and his millions in the bank, he can get any girl he wants.

But anyways, Giancarlo had headed out to a club infamous for its cougars. Cougars are older women who prey on younger guys for those not in the know about the club scene. Easily, he picked up a nice blonde woman, probably in her 30s (maybe even 40s), and went home with her. She had blindfolded him in the taxi and as they walked in, he took the blindfold off, witnessing a surprise that not even I would have been able to handle.

This was his 16 year old girlfriend's house.

He was trying to get out but the cougar was relentless after cornering her prey in her domain. He tried to get up off the couch but she lay on top of him kissing his neck. The kitchen lights flicked on, with Giancarlo's girlfriend looking like she just woke up from the noise. Her eyes widened in shock. "Oh shit" he thought to himself. The daughter started yelling at the mother for hitting on her boyfriend, the mother started yelling at the daughter for going out with such a sleaze bag. They both started yelling at Giancarlo for being a two timing cheater. Suddenly, Karma decided to throw a curveball at this most unfortunate moment, as the father had just come home from work. Now this dad looked like a big guy, gruff and tough, as if he had served in the army and joined a biker gang. Giancarlo knew that he wasn't gonna get out of this situation alive, as the father was heaving in rage when he found out what was going on. Giancarlo ran upstairs and locked himself in the first room he saw, where he began to make this phonecall.

We hurried over to the address he texted us, somewhere in the suburbs. We were still drunk, but the bus driver was used to dealing with drunk people late at night, so he even changed the route to get us to the house faster. We stood outside the window, where we could hear the dad trying to charge down the door and the whole family yelling at every other person in the house. We told Giancarlo we'd catch him if he jumped, and considering it was either a one storey drop or facing what looked like a professional wrestler combined with a bear, he picked the right choice. He landed on top of the both of us, and we all fell to the floor. The door had slammed open and the dad looked from out the window at all three of us peeling ourselves off the lawn. He yelled something we didn't understand as we were too busy getting the hell out of there.

As we were walking past a park, Roxxy needed to go to the toilet, so she gave me her purse to hold. Standing there, talking with Giancarlo about his favourite TV shows, he remarked that we should get a taxi and head somewhere to drink away the unfortunate nature of his night. I used Roxxy's phone, as mine was running low on battery. Her web browser was still open, with pages on debt consolidation and the auto insurance quotes I had needed for my little car accident. The first page was the one that surprised me. What did she need consolidation loans for? Did she have money trouble? I didn't want to snoop around on her phone any longer, and I felt guilty that I uncovered what I did.

Just as I closed the browser, a phone call appeared. It was from Dave. Turns out, at the party, he met the weirdest girl eyeing him off from across the room. She looked a bit haggardly, and looked like she had a lazy eye. People didn't know if it was a Halloween costume or who invited her or even when she arrived. She was just there. She instantly locked on Dave from across the dancefloor and passed through people to get to him. Dave turned around began to dance with another girl, who was a brunette model from Bro Life Magazine, where she was famous for her amazing swimsuit pictures. This other haggardly woman pushed the model out of the way and tried to get in close with Dave. He freaked out, stepping back, but she insisted on wrapping her arms around him. He called her the octopus, because for every hand he peeled off his back, another two seemed to appear on him. She tried pushing her away and eventually succeeded. She seemed very beat down, and offered him a drink. He felt guilty about rejecting her so he gave her his number before going outside to get some air.

He turned around to see her following him from the stairwell. He walked faster, and that's when he started the phonecall. We decided he'd be safest with us, so we told him which park we were at and he ended up grabbing two bottles of some $100+ vodka to ease up the night. We started drinking in the park, sharing stories and getting to know each other a bit better until we heard a loud "OI!" from the darkness. Giancarlo's (I guess it would be safe to say ex) girlfriend's dad had brought his biker looking friends in search of us. They had formed what looked like a great crime-fighting biker crew, yet they were still intimidating as hell. We decided that there was no way we could talk our way out of this since he had formed a whole crew to come and get us. We darted back into the suburbs and used the neighbourhood to try and lose them. Crossing streets and diving over fences, they followed us at breakneck speed, especially for their size. Jumping over one silver fence, I realised too late that a pool was on the other side. Holding my phone up in the air to keep it dry, I submerged deeper into the pool for half a second before Roxxy knew instinctively about my lack of swimming ability, grabbing my collar and pulling me across.

We continued jumping fence to fence and turned sharply to find a gas station in a somewhat commercial area. Seeing a half open truck door, we jumped in the back to hide. We silently sat, hoping that the biker gang would pass by. We could hear their voices discussing the chase a few feet away. Tensions rose in the truck as we were all scared they would find us, where we would be cornered in the truck. Peering through a hole in the truck door, we could see there were about 5 of the guys.

Out of the side of the street, we saw Dave's newly acquired friend, holding a large number of cats. Yep, she was a crazy cat lady. She started yelling at the bikers and throwing cats at them, before proceeding to open a can of whoopass on them. This old, ugly, witch-like lady had some moves like Jackie Chan, dropping all 5 of the men to the ground, which we consider defending her new prize she found in Dave. She walked away with her cats and his since never been seen.

With the conflict resolved, we tried to get out of the truck, but the door had been slammed shut and locked tight, leaving us trapped. We decided it was pointless to try, so we decided to the finish drinking and sharing stories. I feel a lot closer to everyone in the truck at this point, and I certainly see myself being better friends with Giancarlo and Dave, and definitely becoming great friends in the future.


  1. Looks great wish i would have seen this earlier

  2. lmao, thats a pretty good story, i wana try those brain shots..

  3. hahaha crazy stuff. Those brain shots are awesome.

  4. mmmmmmm brainnnnsssss :) zombie shots

  5. Holy crap, that is one unusual shot.

    I'm disgusted yet intrigued...

  6. Good stuff mate, lol! XD It's so crazy

  7. I am a zombie. BRAINS is what I'll have thanks :D legit shots.

  8. Wish I'd made those for halloween

  9. Woah thats a crazy mix of stuff.

  10. Those brain shots look pretty nasty.

  11. Damnnnn, crazy night! Great post!